What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 01:38
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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She loved him until the end.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Put me off passion for life!!
What trains transport cars and passengers near Pompano Beach, Florida that goes to New York?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My family never makes their pension either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Do girls ever miss their first love?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She found it foreign!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I don,t even have a pension.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
How can someone effectively handle a targeted individual?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
(And it was in our own minds.)
How can you tell if someone is cunning?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was seconnd youngest,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It was going to be , some day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
What are you struggling with in your life? What would you like to have instead?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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Who then, do I blame.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was very sick at this time too.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We all went to grammer schools
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But ive been too sick for many years..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I waited trembling.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i lived it daily.
My life is so biszare .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When she asked me how she looked .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were not on the streets..
This is soul school!.
I will be 64.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So, i spoilt her more .
Would this be the day?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
What did i know ?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was scared of men, in general
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was 9 years of age.
But it wasn’t much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Was to survive, this bastard.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She wouldn,t have been !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was in good health!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I write beautiful poetry .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot live in the past .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He resisted the act ,that day.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But, we were locked up after school.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
All the time i was locked up.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He knew the spot.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ive learnt so much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im still living with it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..